Lonely

I feel lonely a lot. Especially at this time of my life. I would cry. Feel like crying. And it goes on.

3:00am

I want to sleep yet at the same time I don’t want to. Having these feelings sucks. Why can’t life be determined for me. There is so much I want to know yet am afraid to know as well. Life is so complicated.

4:50am

Feeling satisfied. This video expresses everything that I feel right now.

Lonely rainy days

Today was a sad and gloomy day. I usually like the rain but today I just hated it. I’m sick and it seems like its getting worse. I wish I really didn’t work at all today because this entire week I did nothing at all. I really need to try to study as hard as possible and do the best I can do. During my break before work I tried to learn how to dance by myself but its so hard. I really want to master it!!!! My mentor sent me this e-mail, which is encouraging in a way:

“

1) If you work hard to do well in Economics AND Chinese (as a minor, perhaps), you’ll be in a great position to work in one of the biggest and fastest-growing economic forces in the world – the Chinese economy. I think you’ll find that many doors will open up for you with that combination, and in a wide variety of ways. You need to start looking at all the different possibilities, and NOT only in areas of Economics or Finance. Also realize that there may be many more interesting, fun ways to use your skills to make a decent living in that world, especially here in the Bay Area.

2) Just because you get a degree in Economics and/or Chinese doesn’t mean that you’re locked into those specific things forever. I know a guy who got a degree in religion and ended up as a senior engineer for Intel Corp, designing computer CPUs. I know another guy who got an education degree and ended up as VP of Marketing for the Dallas Mavericks, and later as the CEO of the San Jose Sharks. A good college buddy of mine eventually got his MBA, traveled around for a big consulting firm advising banks for about 12 years and made a LOT of money, but now he designs, tests and distributes his own custom-made golf clubs, and just travels around to golf courses all over the world, playing golf and selling his clubs. And when we were working on our undergrad degrees together, he was a TOTAL screw-up! His first two years of college he nearly flunked out. But he pulled himself together and graduated on the Dean’s List with a Bus/Admin degree, then got into a really good MBA program.

The moral of this story is that you can do anything you want, eventually. But for now, choose a degree that will at least keep you employed, but after you graduate, keep taking occasional classes while you work, do some volunteer work, travel a little. Almost EVERY PERSON I KNOW didn’t figure out what they REALLY wanted to do until about 6-10 years after their undergrad degree. And most of them really enjoyed that journey of discovery, even though it made them stressed and unhappy from time to time. But right now you have to choose something and go at it as hard as you can. Don’t feel like you have to have your whole life planned out by the end of your sophomore year in college – I guarantee it will change, anyway!!! “

Relieves me in some way but Im still scared of the future. All I know is that I want to change the world, and make lots of money. Big bang video to end my blog+ a F4 song by Vic Zhou:

End of second week

It’s the end of second week and I haven’t been doing much. I go to all my classes except for econ because I’ve asked other people who are in my discussion and also told me that they have given up on going so its not just me. I’ve been good about going to office hours too and in fact I like it because I get a lot done instead of pondering by myself figuring things out when at the end I get nothing done. I like Chinese this quarter, maybe its because I go to discussion now. Although I agreed to switch off about going to class for Chinese, I’m gonna go anyways for the heck of it because I have office hours after it and I want to learn. My goal this quarter is to get nothing lower than a B and I know I can do it. Other than school, Ive been working.

Working is boring and a waste of time. I feel like the job I am doing is so stupid and pointless. Nonetheless, I get to do reading there because I can’t read without falling asleep in my room. I need to talk to Ken about getting spring break off and working less. I want to work less because I need time to study and I’m going to get spring break off because I think I need to go back for interviews and I’ve already made plans with some of my friends/family.

My mom has been bugging me about a lot of things lately. I need to help her call city hall to cancel some license and get a refund for it. I need to fill out the rebate form for my contacts and my cooler too. My mom has also been hinting at me to quit my job because she really doesn’t want me to work and says that I dont need to worry about money. But I want to work because I want to buy things that I want. On that note, I’m going to buy the phone next week I think, when I get my check. Today I just paid off my credit card which had a balance of $480. Yea, I really don’t know how I racked up that much.

Last friday I went to a party with my friends and it was ok. Kind of boring since I was already tired by the time I got there. I didn’t want to drink that much but I just felt like it. At the party, this guy started kissing my friend. That guy was forcing it on her, and my friend didn’t was trying to move away I think but I’m not too sure. This girl started taking pictures of them for a while and I took over when that girl joined them lol. Honestly, I was going to stop that guy but I didn’t know what to do because it was so unexpected. I was thinking about going in and kiss my friend just to stop him from doing so and take her away but thats just so awkward and I wasn’t sure if my friend would be ok with it anyways. I know shes mad at me for pictures. And my other friend is mad too. But honestly, I didn’t think it was wrong. For example, last year during freshman year when a guy started to go on top of me and literally his ass/area was in my face, I really wanted to him to get off and no one helped me. My friend filmed it too and its on youtube. I mean, I know she didn’t think it was wrong but I was mad for while but if I were her I guess I would have done the same too. So now, I’m kinda mad/frustrated at one of my friends for being mad at me because its so ________. Not saying it. But the past is nothing but the past. Maybe I should have said something back but its hard for me because I like to keep everything to myself ever since elementary school. I think my years during grade school changed my life dramatically. I became shy, reserved, and didn’t express my feelings as much. I remmeber I had to go through some stupid anger management class during 5th grade because I would yell at my teacher and things of those sorts. I wish I was still like that in a way because its so hard to keep your feelings to yourself. I’m also mad because they wanted to drag me to a club which I specifically told my friend in private that I will not go to a club because I don’t feel like it and when the time comes I will go eventually. But I am over it because we didn’t go at the end but the idea of it angers me in a way.

Also, my friends disapprove of me that I’m going to buy the nokia n95 and nothing will stop me. I mean its almost like telling me to not do what I want to do. Before winter break, I wouldn’t have bought the phone. However so many things happened to me and I’ve thought a lot about what the important people in my life have told me and I’ve had a different look on life. I will get what I want, be what I want, and do whatever I desire. I need to stop being guilty of things I do and regret because its so stupid. Its like thinking about something you CANT change. There are some things to life that you need to let it be. My friend is right. I am glad i have this person to encourage me along the way and nature the way I think. Even though I don’t hang out with her, she is the only person I will trust completely. She called me on the day of the party and she was sad, I felt bad and wanted to leave the party and be with her. On the phone, I wanted to say ‘I love you’ but is it only because I drank or was I thinking clearly? I don’t know. But I don’t have huge urges for her when im normal. How do you know when you are in love?

I know love is not attachment or being obsessed with someone because I am obsessed with big bang lol. I don’t know where this attachement comes from, maybe its because I want to be them but its impossible so I like them? I dont know. Hard to explain. Yesterday, I bought videos off a site my cousin showed me a long time ago where you can learn dance steps to a lot of the asian music videos. I bought big bang’s lie and im waiting for big bang’s last farewell. I’m really excited to learn how to dance because maybe this will be my talent? Just maybe. Here is a Big Bang Music Video to end my blog( I bought this dance video ahha):

Last Day of the Year.

I haven’t done much this year except watch it go by really fast. I’m getting old and I don’t know what I want to do. I’ve been thinking a lot, as always. Thinking about what I should do and what I really want to do. I know I want to do business but I just don’t know which particular part of it I want to do. My winter break so far has been awful too since I’ve been sick. Hopefully I’ll be better tomorrow so I can go out. I’ve been playing maplestory during my 2exp and Ive been feeling pain on my ring finger. Maybe I’m using it too much while I play. I hope I don’t develop finger problems because of Maple story. I really want to hit at least lvl 100. So close. I know maple story is a waste of time but it is my addiction.

Other than that, I got a new number. I got lazy trying to transfer my contacts so I didn’t add everyone. I plan on getting a new phone as well but they are so damn expensive. I will either get a Nokia n76 or n95. My cousin has a n76 so don’t really want to get what he has but its super nice. But a n95 is over doing it. $$$, money is always an issue. My mom decided that two years later she plans on selling her business and just work part time and gradually not work at all. I’m kind of afraid of this because that would mean I will have to work and give my family money. I will be responsible for a lot of the financial needs. I guess I really have to grow up soon. I still feel like a kid.

Next year,tomorrow,2008, I will try to be more independent. Pay for my own bills and etc. So I won’t have a lot of spending money for myself. I realized that my mom has been rather generous on me. Shes paid every single bill I have given her and I know she will continue to if I give her the bills but I don’t want this to happen anymore. I am thankful that my mom is willing to put up with me and my financial needs. On that note, I am deciding whether or not to go to Shanghai this summer or find an internship. Shanghai wil be expensive. If I can find an internship this Friday then I will lose the $300 and not go. $300 isn’t a big amount when compared to to the total amount but still a lot I know. Besides, I don’t really want to go when I don’t really feel like it.

My grandma came back from her one year stay in Vietnam on Christmas, along with my Aunt,Uncle and cousins. Shes not living with us anymore but is living at our other house. But she said she wants to live with us because our house is warmer than the other one. My family doesn’t want her to live with us because of lack of space but I feel sorry for her since it seems like no one wants her. I hope my kids don’t do this to me. My cousin is going to come back from LA tomorrow. Planning to go out with him on the 2nd. Might go to the golden gate bridge tomorrow night to watch the fireworks.

I’m going to end this blog with my goals for the new year:

• take more pictures
• get at least 8 hrs of sleep
• drink lots of water
• exercise
• eat healthy
• study better
• be happier

Happy new year!!!